311 Holly Worton ~ How to Quit Feeling Like a Victim & Start Taking Responsibility for Your Life

Today’s Guest

Table of Contents

I’m back again, with another solo episode! I’ve been thinking a lot lately about personal responsibility. Making the conscious decision to take responsibility for our own lives is incredibly empowering, and yet I see so many people online who are stuck in a downward spiral of victimhood. Fortunately, it’s easy to turn around. We just need to be willing to take a good look at ourselves and what changes we need to make.

Listen To This Episode

What You’ll Learn

What is personal responsibility + why it’s important
Where this shows up in our lives when it’s not in balance
How to know when we need to pay more attention to this
What it looks like when we’re not taking responsibility for our lives
Who we really need to be responsible for + what are the limits of our responsibility
How to quit blaming others, stop feeling like a victim, and start taking responsibility for ourselves
All the different facets of personal responsibility that we need to consider
How to stop blaming other people/things/situations + what to do instead
How to quit complaining + what to do instead
How to focus on what YOU want and take action to create the life that’s right for YOU

Things I Discussed

Connect With Holly

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Transcript

The transcript for this episode can also be downloaded here (no opt-in required).

Holly: Hello and welcome to the Into the Woods podcast, episode 311. This is your host Holly Worton and I am back with another solo episode. Today I am talking about personal responsibility, this is something that I have been thinking about a lot lately and it is something that really bothers me when I see it in other people, not because they are offending me or upsetting me, but just because I know how different life can be when we start taking responsibility for our lives, and we start taking responsibility for our own shit. I see a lot of people not doing that online and it just makes me sad for them so I thought this was something that was worth talking about and I hope you find this episode interesting and useful.

I am going to be talking about what is personal responsibility and why it is important. I am going to talk about how this can be a problem and where this problem shows up in our lives. How to know when we need to pay more attention to this. What it looks like when we are not taking responsibility for our lives. Who we really need to be responsible for, what are the limits of our responsibility? I talk about how to quit blaming others, stop feeling like a victim and start taking responsibility for ourselves, specifically different ways we can start bringing more elements of personal responsibility into our lives. This is life-changing stuff so I hope you find this interesting and useful and I hope that it is something that will be life-changing for you as well. I think no matter how self-aware we are, I think there are always ways we can improve in, probably all areas of our lives, but also this area. I think it is important to re-evaluate how responsible we are being in different areas of our lives and as I did last week, I will be providing you with a wheel of personal responsibility so that you can figure this out for yourself and evaluate how much responsibility you are taking for the different areas of your life, I hope you find that tool useful.

Before we get into this week’s episode, I just wanted to invite you to join me on Patreon, if you get value from this podcast I would love to have you in the Patreon community to support this show and makes sure that it continues to happen. If you head to http://PAtreon.com/HollyWorton you can join me there, membership starts at $1 a month and you get exclusive access to content I don’t share anywhere else, including a monthly Q and A and done-for-you mindset work, depending on what tier you sign up at, so I would love to see you over there.

So, personal responsibility — what is it? Personal responsibility, or individual responsibility, is the idea, or the concept, that people choose, instigate, or otherwise cause their own actions. It is the idea that we are responsible for our own actions and reactions and our intentions, our priorities, our attitudes, the things that we choose to focus on, our emotions and feelings, our choices and decisions, or thoughts and beliefs, and how we respond to the problems and the challenges in our lives. It is a huge topic, it is a huge area and I think it is very, very, important because it is very empowering to step into a role of personal responsibility and recognise that we are responsible for all these areas of our lives, I think it is incredibly empowering. And people who don’t take responsibility for these things, often have a very strong sense of victim mentality, they might blame other people, they might feel like certain circumstances in their lives are creating this situation and it can be a downward spiral into feeling stuck and frustrated and powerless to change our lives, and to experience the things that we want to experience. So, by flipping that coin to the other side, and choosing personal responsibility, it is absolutely empowering, and it gives us the opportunity to actually make the changes we need to make to create the lives that we want to have.

So, where does this show up in our lives? As I said, when we are not taking responsibility for our lives and our decisions, we might often see ourselves blaming other people, family members, authority figures, friends, situations, the current economic climate, politics, things for the crappy things that we experience in our lives. If we start to notice that we are complaining about a lot of things, complaining about other people, complaining about situations, complaining about our jobs, our relationships, money, complaining about just anything, it is worth stopping and taking the time to look at that. So, you know I am a big fan of journalling, because I think it is really useful to get stuff out of our heads and onto paper, or onto a file on your computer, where you can look at the stuff and see it, otherwise it is really easy to have just a jumble of crap in our minds. So if you have got your journal to hand you might want to pause this and think: where in your life are you complaining? What have you been complaining about? Make a list. What people, things, situations, have you been blaming for the circumstances in your life? I recognise that this can be kind of a tough thing to acknowledge because we don’t want to be seen as complainers, we don’t want to be seen as people who blame other people for things, but we do it, that’s just a natural part of life. I don’t think there is anyone out there who has never blamed anyone or complained about anything. So this is perfectly normal, and if it is something that you don’t like about yourself, something you need to change about yourself, then get this stuff out of your head and onto paper where you can look at it. Don’t blame yourself for this {laughing} since we are talking about blame. This is totally natural, so get the stuff out of your head, get it onto paper, or onto a file on your computer where you can see it, and just be clear about what has been going on for you.

So personal responsibility is really important because it is taking responsibility for our stuff, the only person we really need to be responsible for is ourself; and of course if you have children you are responsible for your children, you are responsible for your pets, you are responsible for any dependents that you might have. So we are not going to be talking about that because it is obvious that you are responsible for your pets, your children, and any dependants, that is a whole different conversation that I am not going to get into. In terms of personal responsibility, we are talking about being responsible for ourselves, these are the limits, that’s the limit of personal responsibility, it is taking responsibility for us as individuals. You might often see other people taking responsibility for other adults, giving unasked for advice, criticising their decisions, warning them about doing or not doing something, and that is taking responsibility for other adults and that is something we want to avoid. And that can be challenging, sometimes we care about the people in our lives and we want the best for them, or we want what we think is the best for them, and we don’t allow them, we try to prohibit them from making their own decisions when we disagree with them. There are many times that we disagree with their decisions, choices, actions, that friends and family members make, but they are adults, we need to allow them to make their own decisions and if they ask for our opinion yes of course give it, but you may have noticed unasked for opinions are often not welcomed and that’s because I think at some level we all realise that we need to make our own mistakes. And sometimes that’s the best way for us to learn, is by making a mistake and leaning from that mistake. So it is really, really, important to let go of the habit of taking responsibility for other adults in our lives. Again, if you have vulnerable people in your lives that are adults, I am not talking about that, I am not talking about taking responsibility for someone, an adult family member with a learning disability, I am talking about fully-functional adults that can take care of their own lives even when they make decisions that we are not happy with.

So maybe pause this and make a list, who have you been giving unasked for advice? Who have you been criticising their decisions, their opinions, their actions, their emotions, their choices in life? And think about that and think about whether or not you are willing to let go of taking responsibility for these adults in your life. So as I said, I think taking responsibility for ourselves and only ourselves and not for the other adults in our life is really, really, empowering, because that’s how we create the life that we want to live; that’s how we achieve joy and happiness in life. But the flip-side of the coin is that disempowering victim mentality and I see this all the time, particularly online, engaging with people that I don’t necessarily know on online communities and it is really sad for me, when I see it, because I realise how they have given their power away to other people, other situations, beliefs and they are not living the lives that they want, because they are blaming other people and situations.

So, how to quit blaming others? How to stop feeling like a victim, how to start taking responsibility for ourselves? Download that wheel of personal responsibility that I have created for you, I think you will find it really interesting and useful and it is a good way to see where you are at right now. So with that wheel of personal responsibility I look at a number of different categories. So, look at where you are on a scale of 1-10 in terms of your attitudes, what are your attitudes towards life and other people? Are they empowering or are they disempowering? Do you feel like everyone else has better luck than you do? You never manage to get anything right? What are your attitudes in life? Are they enhancing your life? Are they empowering or are they disempowering? And how much do you take responsibility for your attitudes? Do you own your attitudes? Are you aware that you are responsible for your attitudes?

Next, is feelings and emotions, you often hear people say: you made me feel sad, you made me feel angry, mmm not exactly, the other person did something or reacted or acted in a certain way and as a result you have felt happy, angry, sad, whatever, but your feelings and emotions are yours. There are many ways that you can choose to react or any ways that you could choose not to react to a certain action or situation and not everyone is going to react the same to a particular action or situation. So taking responsibility for our feelings and emotions is really, really, important, not everyone reacts the same way to every situation and we have a variety of ways that we can feel about something that someone else has done. No one can make us feel in any way, people do things and we respond with a certain feeling or emotion and I think it is really important to take responsibility for our feelings.

Next, is our choices and decisions and lots of times I will hear people say: oh well I didn’t have a choice but there is always a choice. I can’t think of a situation where there isn’t a choice, sometimes we don’t like the other choice, we don’t like the other option and so we make a certain decision but there is pretty much always another choice, even if we didn’t like it. And I think owning that and saying: look I didn’t like this choice that I made but the other option was even worse; you had a choice you could have chosen that other horrible thing, but it was horrible so even though you don’t like the choice that you made, the other option was worse. Own that, take responsibility for that, you had a choice, you had other options, you probably had at least one other option, but you didn’t like it and that is fine, sometimes all the options are shitty and we have to pick the least shitty option, that’s fine. I know it is not great, but own that, take responsibility for the fact that you made a choice that you didn’t like because the other choices were worse, you always have choices.

Next, thoughts and beliefs, do you take responsibility for your thoughts and beliefs? Now I talk a lot about mindset here, we are responsible for our own mindset, we are responsible for the thoughts and beliefs that we have. If we do not have enhancing and empowering beliefs, if our minds are just full of crappy limiting beliefs, we need to take responsibility for those beliefs and change them. There are plenty of tools online, plenty of tools you can use offline that you can use to change your thoughts and beliefs. We are responsible for our thoughts and beliefs but oftentimes we accept our belief as fact, we think they are fact, we think that’s just the way it is and that’s not the case. So how, on a scale of 1-10, how much responsibility do you take for your thoughts and beliefs? Do you just accept them as fact, or do you say: look I created this belief and I can change this belief? And if you don’t know how to change your beliefs ask me, or google it, or there are plenty of techniques out there to change your beliefs, one of them is PSCYH-K I am always talking about that because I thin it is super-easy to use; yes, you have to pay for a course and invest three days of your time to take the basic workshop but that’s life changing, it is going to change your life and it is going to change your ability to create the life that you want.

The next category that I have got here is problems, challenges. When you have problems in life, when you have challenges, do you take responsibility for them, or do you think: oh God I am stuck with this? Or:: someone got me into this situation, or this is someone else’s fault, or something’s fault. The problems we have in our lives are so much easier to deal with when we take responsibility for them and sometimes, yes, other people and other situations can instigate the problems that we have but we are responsible for finding the solutions, we are responsible for finding where it is around the problems and challenges that we have in our lives we can dissolve those problems and do the things we want to do and achieve the things that we want to achieve. So, on a scale of 1-10 how much responsibility do you take for the problems in you life and finding solutions for them?

Next is our actions and reactions. We are absolutely responsible for our actions that we take and the ways that we react to circumstances, people, things in our lives so it kind of overlaps with choices and decisions and kind of feeling and emotions, but I think it is worth having as a stand-alone category. So, how much responsibility do you take for your actions? Do you say: so-and-so made me do it, I had no choice, this is the way it is. Do you take responsibility for your actions and your reactions?

Next is your intentions, people say: oh well my intentions were good, but were there? And did you clearly form your intention before saying something or doing something? Were you clear in your intentions? Sometimes we just do stuff without even thinking why we are doing them, or we say things without thinking why we are saying them, it is really, really, important to be clear on our intentions and take responsibility for our intentions.

And the last one is priorities, so we all set priorities in our lives and we all take actions based on the things we consider to be priorities. Unfortunately, again, a lot of time we just kind of go with the flow and let things happen and then we are not very happy with the results. So, it is important to be clear on what the priorities are in our lives and take actions accordingly. So how much responsibility do you take for the priorities in your life? Do you make self-care a priority? Do you make health and wellbeing a priority? Look at the different areas of your life and and think about how much responsibility you take for making certain things a priority. So I think doing this wheel and ranking these areas is really important because it gives us a feel for where we are today and it is okay if your numbers are low, it is okay if you are not really taking responsibility for things in your life because now you know where you stand and now you make different decisions, now you can make different choices, now you can make the choice to take personal responsibility and be responsible for your intentions, your attitudes, your focus, your feelings, your reactions, your actions, your choices, your decisions, all that stuff. So that is the first place, so that will give you an idea of where you are.

So as I said earlier, take a look at where you are blaming other people, things or situations. So now that you have made that list and if you haven’t, pause this and make that list, look at who/what you have been blaming and stop it. Instead, take a look at how you have co-created this situation, because even if someone else is involved you have co-created this situation with them and you are partly responsible for it, so take responsibility for your part of the situation, the relationship, or whatever and find a solution. What is one thing you could do to turn that situation around, or turn that relationship around? And then do that thing. So focus on what you have currently got: a shitty situation, a crappy relationship and think about what you would rather have instead and then take action to get that, to walk the path to achieve that. I also talked earlier about complaining and hopefully you have made a list of things that you have been complaining about, same thing, what would you rather have instead? Turn that situation on its head and find a solution. Take one action that will get you to the thing that you want. The thing about blaming other people and complaining about things, that is keeping you focussed on what you don’t want, and you need to change that around and focus on what you do want, because that will help you find a solution. So this is all about focussing on what you want and taking action to create the life that is right for you. If you have other people in your life that are taking responsibility for your life and are giving you unasked for opinions and advice and criticising you, you need to set boundaries. I have done at least one episode on boundaries and I will include that in the show notes, once I look for it, but set boundaries because in the same way that you should not be taking responsibility for other adults, you should also not be allowing other adults to take responsibility for you. I am aware that I just said, should and should twice, but you know what I mean. If you want to be taking responsibility for your life and living the life that you want, it would benefit you to let go of taking responsibility for other adults and set boundaries and uphold boundaries so that other people do not do this to you.

Finally, I think it is really important that you need to give yourself permission to live your life. Again, lots of times other people, friends, family members, sometimes with good intentions, sometimes not, will meddle in our lives, they will tell you what you think you should be doing but again set boundaries, uphold your boundaries, and give yourself permission to do the things that you want to do, to take the actions that you want to take, to make the decisions you want to make; to find the solutions to the problems that are right for you. Ultimately this is about you living your best life. Now, if you are in a shitty situation, whether that is an abusive relationship or you are just really feeling down, down, down, I get that, you can’t change everything in one day, what you can do is take one step at time, so if you have done the work that I suggested in this episode and you have journaled on the stuff, and you have turned the stuff around and you have made a list of things you could do, don’t feel you need to add 97 things to your to-do list, pick one, do it and then when you have the time, or when you can make the time, do the second thing and then just step-by-step. You will be taking charge of your own life, improving the things that you want to improve, taking the actions that you want to take to live the life that you want. This is super, super, empowering and be aware from now on, at any time when you see yourself complaining or you see yourself feeling like a victim, and stop it and think about how you can turn the situation around. Again, one of the worst scenarios I can think of is an abusive relationship I have been there, it is horrible, I know what it is like, it is horrible, horrible, horrible. And I have felt like there was no way out and I have felt like there was no solution and I felt like I was just stuck there forever and the only way out I thought at one point was to kill myself, thankfully I didn’t do that, but that was the only solution I could see. So, when life is overwhelming, stop, journal about it, pick apart the crap, flip it on its head and see what you can do to change it, be aware when you start feeling like a victim, or when you start feeling like the world is just crapping on you, you feel like you just can’t, stop it, journal about it, pick the problem apart and focus on what you want instead and do one thing that will take you towards that. It is incredibly empowering to take action towards the things that we want, and it is just incredibly empowering to take personal responsibility for our lives, because ultimately we are the only ones in charge of our own lives.

So, I hope you found this episode interesting and useful, and I welcome any questions or thoughts that you might have, this is just a quick half-hour episode so I am sure there have been some things that I have forgotten in my research and notes for what I wanted to say, so let me know, if you have any thoughts I would love to share them. So drop me a line you can email me: [email protected] or find me online and get in touch there.

Next week’s episode is probably going to be another solo episode, but again I am not quite sure what I will be talking about because these topics always seem to be stuff that I am thinking about, stuff that is on my mind, and they are quite timely so you will find out next week what I will be talking about. So that is all for now, have a great week, please take responsibility for your life as much as you can and be aware when you are not doing it, so you can take more responsibility. Again, this is not about blame, this is not about blaming yourself, it is just about taking responsibility for the decisions that we have made to get ourselves where we are today so we can make different decisions to get ourselves where we want to be.

Thank you – and remember to visit http://HollyWorton.com/311 for the show notes on this episode. Thank you for listening!